“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
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Who’s drunk
*raises leg
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.