Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
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Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.