MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
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I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven