@mydanimarie: MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ'S AND MY SNACK.
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@PrettyInCamo11: The officer said, "you drinking?" I said, "you buying?" We just laughed and laughed. I need bail money.
@shadygrenade: *stands over dads casket* "Mom isn't doing well, dad." *puts hand on dad's shoulder* "You need to stop building caskets. It's creepy."
@punmagnate: MAYOR'S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it's really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
@baycontaco: Smartphones don't prevent people from feeling alive and getting in touch with nature. I just walked into a tree.