It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
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Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.