some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
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Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Feels
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
this country is so goddamn polarized
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.