Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 馃槀
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My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where鈥檇 I put coffee?
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: 鈥aybe call the horses?
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
You think you鈥檝e got problems? This is what I鈥檓 having for dinner
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Me: *doesn鈥檛 laugh at friend鈥檚 story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
I鈥檓 at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I鈥檓 snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
I鈥檓 not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
My hot friend: I鈥檝e been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It鈥檚 you鈥檙e.