me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
You Might Also Like
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
no their not
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.