Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
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[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
why I oughta
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Saw online –
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box