Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
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why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Who does Amazon think I am?
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter