@TheBoydP: My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I'm not that old...
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@That_Damn_Duck: Lovey dovey couples look best when viewed through the scope of a high powered rifle.
@UGotMeRight: The wife convinced me into taking her to Hawaii if she lost 20 pounds. You'd be surprised how many M&M's someone can swallow in their sleep.
@AdamTheLobster: [In bed with gf] "Do you have any fantasies?" Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one? "Yes.. why?" I want to hit her with my car
@ruthakers: I hate when my kids say "But mom; it was an accident!" So were you pumpkin, but I still have to take responsibility for you.