@TheBoydP: My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I'm not that old...
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@JB4Realz: Turns out, the guy who invented CPR just liked kissing strangers then punching them in the chest.
@Reverend_Scott: FITBIT: You've done 11k steps today. ME: Ok, I'll rest some. FITBIT: stop now and I'll murder you ME: What? FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
@SamGrittner: When a woman asks me how long I can last in bed I tell her it depends on how long someone brings me food and water but probably years.