My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
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I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.