@AnitaAlibi: My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
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@truegritrumble: DATE: Let’s go to your place. ME: We'll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car* DATE: ... ME: Just kidding. DATE: Oh, thank God. ME: I don’t have a place. I'm homeless.
@anerdonfire2: Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn't joking about owning a lie detector machine
@Birdhumms: Why is it when someone asks if you've lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
@topaz_kell: [talking to myself in the mirror] "You will not be awkward today." Person: "Hey" Me: "Good. How are you?"