@AnitaAlibi: My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
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@PhuckinCody: WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart? ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn't put him back
@TheBoydP: Wife: What do you think our song is? Me: I'd have to say "Happy Birthday". It's the song we've sung together the most. Wife: Idiot...
@stephenjmolloy: [Interrogation room] Good cop: "Confess and we will go easy on you" Sweet tooth cop: "You bes- *hears music* -ICE CREAM MAN!" *runs outside*
@Rich_McCarthy: *Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?