My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
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*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
*puts my mental health in rice
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell