*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
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*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
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1.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
For cardio I live beyond my means.