*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
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It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
what does he know…
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this