@DirtMcTurd: My neighbor crashed her car while listening to Adele. She went rolling in the Jeep
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@timdonakowski: Naming your child “Roger” is fine, until you have to tell someone about it over a two-way radio.
@inoj41: Kissing 101: 1. Open your mouth 2. Wider, that's it. 3. Stick out your tongue 4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn't run away.
@oxygenplug: [commercial for college] *person shoveling money into furnace* Narrator: Don't you wish there was a better way?