@DirtMcTurd: My neighbor crashed her car while listening to Adele. She went rolling in the Jeep
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@XplodingUnicorn: Me: *puts six steaks on the grill* Wife: Don't you think that's too much? It's just us and the kids. Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
@TwistedEmbrace: I get 9" in bed every night. That's how much mattress is left for me once the dogs get comfortable.
@Douchekevin: I got a call at work telling me my daughter missed period number 3. When I woke up in the ambulance it turns out it was the school calling.