me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
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Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.