For the orator and chef in all of us
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*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’