I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
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My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
This will teach them to underestimate me
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.