Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for adviceðŸ˜
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cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
*me flirting
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
I have two kinds of followers
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Am getting real tired of your crap…
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim