it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
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I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
True statement👍😏😁
This rocks
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.