HERE’S MARKY
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It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Oops
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”