@NJPsychDoc: My neighbor introduced his wife to me as his better half. I returned the courtesy by introducing my wife to him as the lesser of two evils.
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@Brampersandon_: ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go? GF: not until u put on something less hideous TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
@LoriGallucci: "Mommy does Barbie come with Ken?" "No sweetie, Barbie comes with GI Joe, she just fakes it with Ken"
@UncleDuke1969: *takes coffee from hot barista *makes eye contact *smiles *winks *sips scalding coffee "Thankth, thexy! Theeya!" *walks outside *screams
@phaggots: [texting my girlfriend] wyd? "Just finished my homework" Cool, Send a pic (; ? *gf sends a nude* Ewww wtf!! i meant of your homework!