@NJPsychDoc: My neighbor introduced his wife to me as his better half. I returned the courtesy by introducing my wife to him as the lesser of two evils.
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@Brianhopecomedy: I'm teaching my 2 year old about currency so I can figure out what coin she just swallowed.
@Marcmywords2: That awkward moment when the Priest uses YOUR confession as the theme for his sermon. Again.
@donni: When I die, I'm donating my body to Simons. I tell this to every Simon I meet. So far, they're not into it
@jon_albo: Age is just a number? I stole $100 from your wallet and replaced it with a $5. Don't worry, they're just numbers.