I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
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When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time