@NJPsychDoc: My neighbor introduced his wife to me as his better half. I returned the courtesy by introducing my wife to him as the lesser of two evils.
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@WilliamAder: Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
@romiza_: *Witnesses an awkward moment* starts a slow clap* sees that nobody is joining me* pretends like I'm trying to kill mosquitoes*
@seamussaid: the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
@Pundamentalism: My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.