@NJPsychDoc: My neighbor introduced his wife to me as his better half. I returned the courtesy by introducing my wife to him as the lesser of two evils.
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@AlyssaDiSalle: Co-worker: "If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it's yours to k.." Me - "THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE."
@jakefromstfarm3: A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.