Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
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A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
When you don’t understand how floors work
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Eat…
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son