@MaritalFauxPas: What if sun screen is really just a seasoning rub created by aliens.

@Tmoney68: Toy Story (1995) - A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.

@LuckoftheDraw86: *writes 'amount to something' on bucket list* *crosses it out* *writes 'mount something'* Yeah. That's do-able.

@hammbone84: If you guys don't start appreciating my tweets, I will introduce my mom to Twitter. Don't make me ruin this for everyone.

@DONTJIMMYMEJULZ: When speaking to children I always end every sentence with "...or else you'll die. " - I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.