@FlyJ_: My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
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@Manali_Shetye5: Top 3 situations that require witnesses: 1) Crimes 2) Accidents 3) Marriages Need I say more?
@TheTweetOfGod: I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
@bourgeoisalien: [walking down street with date after dinner] him: i had a great time me: yep... [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]