@thejakeshenry: This dishwasher sucks. It's already ruined three of my paper plates.

@MJMcKean: I hope this Shakespeare guy is enjoying his fifteen minutes of fame.

@UrCajunKuzin: I told myself that I wouldn't drink today, but nobody ever listens to me.

@nice_mustard: what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog

@WGladstone: "She's got legs. She knows how to use them." "So she's ambulatory then?" "... I guess?" "And is that really all you're looking for?"