@StoferComic: My neighbor just planed an orange tree. I told him, "That's a strange color for a tree."
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@ibid78: "Dave's coming over." -Dave from work or Dave that doesn't know how doors work? [doorknob sorta jiggles for like 20 minutes]
@Brianhopecomedy: My wife said that my 5 year old gets really hyper because of the sugar he has at breakfast so I think I'll stop putting it in his coffee.
@rolldiggity: It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.
@NikiWithIssues: Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.