A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
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* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.