@StoferComic: My neighbor just planed an orange tree. I told him, "That's a strange color for a tree."
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@justabloodygame: As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, 'With or Without You' starts to play. "U2, Brutus?" He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
@myles_morrison: I changed my wifi name to "14.4k dial up connection" so no one would bother stealing my signal.
@Barknado69: Friend: just make small talk *later, on date* Me: so...grains of sand Her: uh yea- Me: dwarves Her: are u okay- Me: bottle caps
@johnbiehl: Who him? Oh that's just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter- *saxophone solo* INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.