my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
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Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*