@robdelaney: My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said "Looks like you won the pottery lottery!" Now everyone is mad at me.
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@JasonLastname: *approaches drive-thru window on a camel* "Sir, here's your 17 big macs and a large milkshake." May I please have a straw? *camel collapses*
@LeBearGirdle: Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
@AristotlesNZ: Cop: "You been drinkin?" Me: I'm going to dinner w/my wife's mom & 94yo granny "You're free to go.." Come on dude. Can't you just arrest me?
@junejuly12: If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you're going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you're not.