@robdelaney: My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said "Looks like you won the pottery lottery!" Now everyone is mad at me.
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@UncleDuke1969: Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote. Me: Don't you mean THOSE funny TWEETS? Wife: ... Me: ... Wife: No. No, I don't.
@Reverend_Scott: "My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am." - bumper sticker I put on my Ex's car