@robdelaney: My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said "Looks like you won the pottery lottery!" Now everyone is mad at me.
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@MarkAgee: I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
@JasonLastname: Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn't about the food being Chinese, it's about you being American.
@MensHumor: You can tell by a woman's feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
@OfficialMizGin: I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean. It said, “Please refill and return to sender.” Now I wait.