My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
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That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Oh. My. God.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.