@robdelaney: My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said "Looks like you won the pottery lottery!" Now everyone is mad at me.
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@OVLH: I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
@radtoria: My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said "just kidding" in a very unconvincing tone.
@animaldrumss: son, you don't need to close your eyes, it's just a movie. the killer from the movie can still get you even if you're not watching it
@AlexRogaski: Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I'm not here.