@robdelaney: My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said "Looks like you won the pottery lottery!" Now everyone is mad at me.
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@iluvyogacats: Me: *enters exam room Doctor: Please take off your... M: *unbuttons pants D: ?? M: *pauses* D: GLASSES! D: I'M AN EYE DR DAMNIT!
@upsidedowntrash: I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
@HavocMantis: I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today *cut to me oiling up tropical trees* haha excellent