“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
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Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
I really had high hopes for this year though
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.