Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
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Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
(Gaming support cat.)
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”