@ieatanddrink: My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@juliussharpe: Basically anything you buy at the hardware store looks like you're getting ready to take hostages.
@david8hughes: [ouija board] "Spirits are u there? I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T? [squints] "A needy board?"
@robdelaney: ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!” COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
@sfreeze6: [HR office] HR: you know why you're here, right? Me: HR: you can't "contract" Down's Syndrome & you can't call in sick with it