My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
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I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.