*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
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the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.