@Kendragarden: My neighbor said "nice skirt" so I said, "thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime."
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@ElKnuckelhombre: Everybody's talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn't even notice him. Weird.
@notfaizzy: ...her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April's fool.
@JimmerThatisAll: I would organize my thoughts but I'm afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
@Bownuggets: Some say I've "gone off the rails," or "left the reservation," or "screwed the pooch," or "mixed my metaphors," or "launched the hot dog"