My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
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I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything