[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
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Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Bike for sale
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.