My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
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I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
She was REALLY feeling it.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
This one’s “Alex”.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.