@shesananteater: My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don't understand how revenge works.
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@wittwitbarista: I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project. I mean, I really worked on it.
@Brampersandon_: ADELE: hello from the outside ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
@trojansauce: [me on my death bed after being trampled at a one direction concert] please tell people it was auto erotic asphyxiation