@shesananteater: My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don't understand how revenge works.
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@Michael_Erhart: Person: "That's a beautiful baby." Me: "Thanks, I named him after his grandpa." Person: "Awe, what's his name?" Me: "Grandpa."
@djdarrellripley: Him: I just had sex with that woman! Me: She’s 60. Him: I know. Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
@simoncholland: Sorry I'm late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.