My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
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Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
(more comics:
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck