My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
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[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Botany good plants lately?
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
No. YOU-buprofen.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook