[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
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WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??