@primawesome: My neighbor told me she doesn't care what people think about her. So I told her I think about her naked. Turns out she's a hypocrite.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@WheelTod: Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
@johntabin: Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
@Brampersandon_: GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this