@primawesome: My neighbor told me she doesn't care what people think about her. So I told her I think about her naked. Turns out she's a hypocrite.
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@MelvinofYork: Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now. Wife: I don’t know what "DTF" means. Me: Take a guess. Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
@myles_morrison: The power going out for 15 minutes is enough to crush any fantasy I have about surviving a zombie apocalypse.
@msmessymist: Whenever I lose a follower I assume they died and the family had the account removed, because hello! I'm amazing!!
@Adam_Kingsnorth: Starbucks? Yes I'd like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name's Adam, but you can call me Aldin.