@primawesome: My neighbor told me she doesn't care what people think about her. So I told her I think about her naked. Turns out she's a hypocrite.
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@ahamedweinberg: Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don't wanna walk around doing grave math.
@BuckyIsotope: "What's up, doc?" says Bugs Bunny. "Not you," laughs the doctor. "Take these little blue pills." *Looney Tunes music plays*
@JermHimselfish: My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that's what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
@WeissBrandon: If you plug in a toaster and take it into the bathtub with you, it will get rid of your hiccups.