@primawesome: My neighbor told me she doesn't care what people think about her. So I told her I think about her naked. Turns out she's a hypocrite.
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@Merman_Melville: (Someone finally shuts off a car alarm) Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
@poizngrl: The difference between kids waking you up and an alarm clock, is that you can throw the alarm across the room
@bug_deal: the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now