If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
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*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Labreador
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
What a year we’ve had this week.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now