My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
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Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.