My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
You Might Also Like
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out