My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
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guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
LOL!
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco