My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
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“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
it is time once again
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.