My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
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[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.