@sixfootcandy: My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I'm the only one not invited. Weird.
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@ihateitmunky: Date Her: OMG my dad keeps texting me he's so annoying Me: [hoping to impress her] yeah he's a piece of shit
@audipenny: NOW HIRING: An employee JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you're applying for
@mattmanic: How cute would it be if park rangers had tiny handcuffs for raccoons that steal campers' food?
@kennyflorian: Can't trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.