@sixfootcandy: My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I'm the only one not invited. Weird.
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@Book_Krazy: *Buys world map* *Pins map to wall* *Promises to visit wherever dart lands* *Throws dart at fridge*
@SteveSuckington: Teacher: did you cheat on your math test? Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
@dhumann: Flight Attendant: "Here is the extra blanket you asked for." Me: "Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy's mouth?"
@NJFreudian: My therapist asked me, "How would leaving twitter make you feel?" I replied by asking him, "How would switching therapists make you feel?"