My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
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Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Strangers have the best candy.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.