My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
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Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Every haunted house movie:
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.