My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
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I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.