My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
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I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?